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[17 May 2005|03:26pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So I haven't done this in a while....

Things are good...for the most part they are good. But as always there is that little something in the back of my head trying to set me off. But...things are good.

I have a job...well i've had it for a while. It's good money good people and it's air conditioned. I actually really really like my job. Some weeks I work way too much and freak out about it...but for the first time ever there is money in the bank that I'm not spending. Go Wentworth's.

I have a car now too...had that for a while also. It's not pterry but it gets the job done. I like it.

Me and jess have been hanging out alot more lately. Which is good. I love her and she's the best friend ever. It's extreamly conforting to know thatr you have someone that has known you since you were 7 and still knows everythign about you and that has seen you fall flat on your face and knows exactly how to help you get up.

Mike and I are coming up on 1 year. It's weird..it doesnt feel that long but it seems like it just works. We just work. And its good. It's simple, grounded and good. He makes me happy and isn't afraid to tell me to shut up when in unhappy and irrational. He even skips work and college to visit me which makes me feel special, even when im sick and dead like this morning.

School is almost over. and i couldnt be happier, but at the same time i dreading next year when i finally pack up and move away. I dont think i will physically be able to leave jess. I've always had her and even if we were in a fight or didnt talk for a year i knew exactly where she'd be if i needed her and knew she always would be. I know she'll always be there but she won't be there with me and that makes me sad and makes me get a bit pit in my heart.

We're going to Florida this summer....taking 2 weeks to drive down and stay and come back. I think it's a much needed trip. I can finally look at schools and hopefully mike and i can find somewhere we both like so i'll have one less person to say goodbye to.

So all and all life is good. I have a job a car an awesome best friend a boyfriend that i love to little bits and for the first time in a while i can say I am completly happy witht hings. And that makes it alot easier to push out what ever i have to to keep my happy.

2 comments|post comment

i kidnapped this from lauren because im BORED! [08 Mar 2005|04:04pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Last Cigarette: now
Last Alcoholic Drink: July
Last Car Ride: about an hour ago
Last Kiss: mike last night
Last Good Cry: a few weeks ago
Last Library Book checked out: i dont know
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: the wedding date with my mommy
Last Book Read: Stiff and the great gatsby...reading both now
Last Movie Rented: with out a paddle
Last Cuss Word Uttered: i dont know
Last Beverage Drank: peach snapple
Last Food Consumed: a bagel
Last Crush: mike
Last Phone Call: mike
Last TV Show: catdog
Last Time Showered: yesterday morning because im gross like that
Last Shoes Worn: monkey flip flops
Last CD Played: vantiy fair hot tracks
Last game played: most likely candy land or black jack
Last Item Bought: said peach snapple
Last Download: i dont download music anymore
Last Soda Drank: diet coke
Last Thing Written: latin cum clauses
Last Key Used: s
Last Word Spoken: bye- to nicole
Last Sleep: last night
Last annoyence: snow
Last disapointment: that my dad wouldn't pick me up today
Last IM: justin
Last Sexual Fantasy: i dont know
Last Weird Encounter: mr. p....after we hit his car
Last Ice Cream Eaten: strawberry
Last Time Amused: i dont know today sucked real bad
Last Time Wanting To Die: never
Last Time In Love: currently
Last Time Hugged: today like 5 seconds ago...mike appeared magically
Last Time Scolded: i dont know
Last Time Resentful: when i lost last night
Last Chair Sat In: the one im in now
Last Underwear Worn: green with a flower
Webpage Visited: Livejournal

1. Last thing that someone gave you? a hug

2. List five things in your fridge? chai, milk, oatmeal, a chicken, and water
3. List five things next to your bed? alarm clock, light, magazine, water, keys

4. Favorite seasonal smell? when it just turns into spring and verythign smells clean

5. Least favorite smell? mud

6. If you could choose how you will die, how would it be? suddenly and quickly

7. Your lucky number? 13 and 2

8. Last person you communicated with? mike

9. Any pets, if so what kind? 4 cats collectivly....duce, pepito, buster and hendrix

10. Goblins or Hob-Goblins? both are spooky

11. Dietary Restrictions? milk and i avoid red meat

12. Last time you took the time to enjoy nature? the last time i saw grass....fuckign snow

13. Favorite Obession? i dont know...i brush my teeth alot

14. Least Favorite obsession? my o.c.c's

15. Favorite childhood novel? Justin Morgan had a horse

16. Color of your bedroom? white and various shades of blue

17. Two things you wish you had? 2 plane tickes to japan and/or hawaii

18. Favorite Soda? diet coke

19. Last movie you watched? dances with wolves

20. Word, phrase or sentence fragment that best describes you? happy go lucky

21. Cold or hot? i enjoy being hot but i am presently very cold

22. Bath or shower? shower

23. What do you miss about being a child? the whole illusion of it

24. Beta, VHS, DVD? dvd?

25. Insanity or sanity? sanity

26. List 5 things on your coffee table? a basket filled with various remotes, an ash tray, books, another ash tray and matches

27. Hardwood floors or rugs? rugs

28. Silence, tv on, or stereo playing while you sleep? silence

29. If you could be anything what would you choose to be? a hermit potter

30. Most refreshing feeling? playing the the rain

31. Favorite moment in life so far? i try an enjoy every moment...i cant pick just one really

32. Last five albums you listened to? the hot tracks cd...led zepplin physical graffiti disc 2, alexis on fire, joni mitchel blues, and jack johnson

33. Last person you hugged? mike

34. Last thing you ingested? sanpple

35. Favorite piece of furniture in your house/apartment? my mondo bed

36. Best weather to walk or ride your bike in? spring

37. Dream Car? now because of mike i want a 65 fast back

38. The woods, the desert, the praire, the mountains, the beach? beach

39. Most pronounced habit? smoking

40. First memory? taking books from andrew usher's book shelf then sticking them in between the crack in his beds...we used to push them together

41. Phobias? syncronization, at times car both being in them and being around them while their in motion, and open spaces

42. Favorite childhood movie? the night mare before christmas

43. Favorite tall tale, fairy lore, or folk lore? my grandpa used to tell me stories about gnomes

44. Puddle hopping, or playing in snow banks? puddles

45. Cursive or print? print

46. Letter/post card or email? doesnt matter

47. Family or friends first? friends
48. Favorite short story? i dont know

49. Person you wish you saw more? alexis and katie

50. Song that would best describe your mood right now? the im sick of snow and i need a nap song?

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[08 Mar 2005|03:28pm]
[ mood | waiting for the thaw ]

So today was movie filled and quite possibly the longest school day ever. We didn't get let out early but we def. should have. Someone's car died, we rear ended Mr. P got stuck on a hill and Megan the champ pushed us out and now I'm at my dad's.

I was in my first real art show yesterday and I'm a little less then trilled with the results. My piece was displayed very poorly (i.e. the whole decoration and good part was facing the wall) and some little kid with a drippy sandwhich stood over it and said it was ugly. So my ego is a little crushed. I find somehting I'm good at and I still suck...fun huh?

But other then that I;m good, things are good.

I'm so sick of the snow. Iim slowly considering joining my cat as he sits at the sliding glass door waiting for spring. I think if we both sit there nature will pitty us and warmth and the grass and not snow will come and fix all our problems.

Mental note: Next time snow is forecasted....don't wear flip flops.

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get me an espresso drip stat [17 Feb 2005|07:00pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I'm finding increasingly harder to handle people lately. If it's not one thing it's another...and the list just keeps going on. It seems that some people cannot be happy. Just think of how much worse you could be...you could be some little kid in Vietnam and you're leg could have gotten blown off by a land mine. You could be one of those kids in the Jimmy Fund commercials waving at construction workers while your body eats it self. You could be in Sudan getting killed in mass genocide. You could be in Lebanon running from car bombs, or in Africa dying from AIDS because you're too poor to prevent it.

But you're not. You're in a house with running water, heat and electricity. You know you will be fed every night and you can sleep in a bed and wake up in the morning knowing you won't face any real harm during your day. You can bitch and moan all you want because we have free speech because in any other country they would have beat the shit out of you with sticks by now. You have the right to a free education, to vote, to speak your mind, and go carry and gun if you so wish.

Your life isn't that bad...its not bad at all. The country you live in isn't bad at all either. And you have no right you make government comments until you are 18 and you pull that lever of democracy. Until then shut the fuck up and spare everyone else. Because really...we don't care.

On a lighter note...well actually not so light:
I'm completly drained of all energy. I haven't had a good night's sleep in about 3 weeks and I'm sick because of it. My body is rejecting everything. I'm so anrgy form being so over tired. Its ridiculous. And school is starting to pile up...yay for school. I'm just gritting my teeth and hoping the "its all down hill from here" theory kicks in. I just want to finish this year work my ass off this summer to make some money, use tha money to spend evey waking minute up to my ears in clay, put together a good portfolio and just get into college. And after that god damn it I'm slacking off like it's my fucking job.

I must watch Jeopardy and go to bed.

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ughhhhh [10 Feb 2005|02:49pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

I'm really getting sick of this new fad of people having to have a righteous cause to hold on to. It's really sad that it's be come a "cool thing" to stand up for gay people or the loser or what ever other oppressed minority you've found for yourself. DO IT BECAUSE YOU CARE ABOUT IT. Giving people pity is not the point. You cannot redeem yourself as a good person just because you pretend that you care. And even if you do...it does not make you a saint.

Lay off of people. Take a second to shut the fuck up and actually think. Look around and take a good 5 minutes to realize that things are not always what they appear to be. You are not always right, you are not always the one being forced into things, you are not the person taking the weight and the strife of the whole world for everyone else.

You are not a saint.

You are a teenaged kid who is hormonal and is over exaggerating everything. Stop bitching about things, because BITCHING NEVER SOLVED ANYTHING. Take all the time and energy you are use to complain about something and try to fix it. No one will listen to you bitch, but people will see your actions. Get off your soap box and fix the things you are trying so hard to feel strongly about.

There is nothing in this world to be so upset about. People's actions do not effect you unless you let them. People's clothing choices, their hair styles, any thing about them DOES NOT CONCERN YOU. Worry about yourself and your own flaws before you pick other people apart, because once again NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO YOU. You are only adding to the ever growing mental pollution that is taking people over and making them think they have problems.

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Ray Charles brings me to tears [02 Feb 2005|04:32pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Georgia, Georgia,
The whole day through
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind

I said a Georgia
A song of you
Comes as sweet and clear
As moonlight through the pines

Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful the dreams I see
The road leads back to you

I said Georgia,
Ooh Georgia, no peace I find
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind(georgia on my mind)

Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you
No peace, no peace I find
Just an old, sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind(georgia on my mind

I said just an old sweet song,
Keeps Georgia on my mind

Tomorrow is my grandfather's wake...and I think it finally hit me, liek really hit me that he's dead. It hit deep and I have this feeling in my stomach like I need to throw up a bowling ball. I'm so upset but I'm not even upset for myself. I'm upset that Riley and Carol are so far away and can't come up. I'm upset that my grandmother lost the love of her life and that she can't even fully understand it.

I know death ios a normal process in life but it's just something so twisted...you form these strong bonds with people and something so small...an instant of life can rip them away from you and all you're left with is years of memories to remember someon by. It just seems strange. I guess this is all coming up because this is my first real encounter with death. My mother's parents are both dead...her father died when she was 5 so he was never part of my life and her mother lived so far away and died when I was young so I never had a chance to really become attached to her. But for the first 8 or 9 years of my life I was so close to my grandfather and it kills me that I let myself drift away from him and get so angry at him in the last year of his life. Its like people say...you dont know what you have untill its gone.

I read his obituary in the paper and I keep reading it over and over again but it doesnt seem real and all I can think of was what lauren said...and you my grandpa was the man. Its just really sad to see grown men cry. And I have a feeling I'll be seeing alot of sad people tomorrow who I haven't even met. I think it will be almost amazing...from what Ive heard from my father people have been calling all week.

Tomorrow will be very intersting.

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fuck the 28th [29 Jan 2005|01:06pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Yesterday was my first day back at school because of midterms. I have 2 new classes...which sadly seem very boring. After school I got coffee with mike, jess and marc then went home and took a nap.

Mike and I decided to go to New Haven for some tea...well first off the tea place was closed.

Then we went to Starbucks and got coffee and decided to go see if anything good was playing at York but I didnt want to see a movie so we headed home.

I called my dad who then informed me that my grandfather had died that night, which I had expected but still came as a shock.

So we got on the highway and found a jeep stopped on the entrance ramp. WHY WOULD YOU STOP ON THE HIGHWAY? So mike swereved and we crashed into the guard rail and the passenger side front quarter pannel of the car is all craked and scratched up.

We got a movie and watched it and I got scared and fell asleep.

The whole thing was my grandfather hasn't really hit me yet...I'm not sure why. I think I've just been expecting it for the past few weeks and kind of just accepted that he was going to die eventually...because everyone does. The memorial service is on Tuesday...which is my dad's birthday which is kind of depressing but my dad planned it that way. They're going to cremate him and I dont know what they'll do with his ashes. I hate funerals and wakes and those awful people who give you the "oh you must be so sad" pitty talks.

1 comment|post comment

when it's not always raining... [12 Jan 2005|08:50pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I'm getting really really REALLY sick of school. I'm sick of being told I'm not working up to my potential. Yea I know, but look around and note the junior in high school who can't read in my English class, or the people who never come to school. And my half assed work is better then those kids (and yes I know I'm being a little conceded right now, but it is) so why don't you get mad at them. And captain illiterate gets a high five and a "good job" when he reads a page and I just get looked at because "i can do better." Well, if I did worse I'd get a gold star every time I wiped my ass. I'm getting really sick of doing my work and doing a pretty damn good job and getting nothing for it, even from my mother, who just tells me I can do better.

----------------------------------End of ranting-------------------------

My grand father is most likely going to die soon, which is really depressing. My parents moved here 20+years ago from Oklahoma because the doctor's told my dad my grandfather didn't have much longer to live. The man has 9 lives, and it's sad that he's barely holding on to the ninth one now. He had polio when he was younger and was basically crippled for about 3 years, and he went on to be an all state football player and go to Yale on a full baseball scholarship. He fought in 2 wars and managed to stay alive much longer then expected.

It's just really sad and upsetting to see someone who for the longest time was one of my favorite people. He as the person who let me cover his basement walls in paint and got me into horseback riding. And it kills me that I've been nothing be rude and distant to him for the past year.

My mom and I went to go visit him in the hospital on Sunday and he just looked so weak. He can't even stand up on his own, but the doctor's aren't 100% sure what's wrong with him. And to top it off I'm reading Tuesdays with Morrie, the saddest book ever.

I'm on the verge of being a wreck...with all this going on I just want to relax but I have school and it seems like everyone has been dumping their bad days on me lately.

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what's that stick shooting out of earth? [29 Dec 2004|10:27am]
[ mood | heavily caffinated ]

I have a car now. It's very ugly and isn't safe at all but its a car and its mine.

I also have a kitty who is awesome. His name is Pepito and he likes empty newport boxes.

Christmas was good. I got things like books and Candy Land which is now the scariest and most sexual childrens game ever. They re designed the game so the candy cane man now has a really spooky gopher side kick and the whole game is just disturbing. They have gingerbread men bent over licking things...

I've been drinking way too much coffee lately and abusing the whole TV series on DVD thing and have watched way too much sappy lady television.

Mike and I went on a road trip yesterday to go some place NEW and EXCITING. We ended up in Waterbury at some hotdog place that had the weirdest decorations. So we ate. And went out side. And both felt the "best hotdog in new england" wanting to come back. So we went home and I fell asleep.

Nothing is that exciting. Just the same old stuff. But it's good old stuff

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The truth [04 Dec 2004|08:42am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

high fives are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

I'm a christmas Machine.
I have all of my family and Mike's gifts purchased and in the mail or wrapped. I'm so excited. I usually run around at the last minute and get stupid things like toasters as gifts that seemed like good ideas at first. But this year everyone has things that are GOOD and make sense and are useful and arn't kitchen appliances.

I love Christmas
I love my Alyssa and Jess
I'm starting to almost maybe love all of my family
And I love my Bo because he's the best.
I love that my headache is gone and that my room is clean
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gobble gobble gobble [25 Nov 2004|08:34am]
[ mood | giggly ]

Today I am thankful that I am surrounded by people who amaze me every second.
I am thankful that everyone is home and safe and happy.
I am thankful for being given love, and realizing how good it is to have.
I am thankful that I can laugh, live, and love with the best of them.

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[24 Nov 2004|06:15pm]
[ mood | excited ]

First of all I had to get a new screen name because my other one was fucked up...so it's now jamz1316...with a z not an s.

Second of all:
ALYSSA IS HOME! And i've never been more excited to see a friend. Jess and I went over today and it was just so good to see her. I got molested by her dog.

Riley is home...ugh.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow...we're going to the Usher's and I'm spending all day with Rosco the best do ever.

Friday Mike and I are having a sleep over.

And i am just so happy that everything managed to work out okay and that things seem to be better. I love you Alyssa.

And Jess too

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[18 Nov 2004|07:45pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

Because I felt like posting pictures...Collapse )

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[09 Nov 2004|07:54pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

I'm going to assassinate Ken Jennings.

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you take the good you take the bad you take the rest and then you have the facts of life [09 Nov 2004|03:25am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

You get what you earn. And what you say and what you do and what you hide gets you that. And there is nothing you can do about what has come to you because you've asked for it. Its time for you to get treated like shit so you realize how much it sucks and how bad it makes you feel.

you asked for this the second you thought about it and the second you admitted to it.

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[07 Nov 2004|07:24pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I've been having really bad head aches lately. About one every day. All the pain on the left side of my head. Last night I got a migrane. And my head still hurts now.

This sucks.

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[02 Nov 2004|10:18pm]
bold truth, leave false.

01. I miss somebody right now.
02. I don’t watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I’ve tried marijuana
09. I’ve watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin(mostly)
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I’ve been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. (haha yeah right)
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I’m very smart
21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I’m paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the past
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I’m popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone only with my circus though =)
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I’m obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal (not anymore lol)
58. I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
59. I’m a pretty good dancer
60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I’ve rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone (i think my boyfriend counts).
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I’m not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friend.
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all hell yeah hes innocent
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s "Children’s Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend’s ex
99. I have cut my self before
100. I am happy at this moment
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[30 Oct 2004|03:41pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I've finally realized why people/books always tell you to surround yourself with good people. It's because it makes you happy and care free and fully willing to be swept away and enjoy life.

I love Jess and Alyssa because no matter what they can make me laugh. And no matter how long we sit in silence, we can always come back to each other and laugh again. I have way too much fun with them, and I love them.

I love Mike because he is amazing, and makes me feel like I might be too. There's nothing like a huge bear hung and a nap on a bad day and laying around in bed for hours at a time. <3<3<3

I love my mom because she is a nut. She drinks way too much Diet Vanilla Pepsi and she's hopped up on fake sugar all the time. And she's good at Jeopardy.

Marc Tylinski is one of my new favorite people too...he makes me laugh.

So as of today, life is good. It's raining but in here life in beautiful.

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[24 Oct 2004|11:31am]
[ mood | crushed ]

you know the feeling where you should have just shut up? yea...i should have just shut up.

jeg elske jer

God I really love how I have this ability to fuck up everything good thatI have. It's like this wonderful gift that just bends me over and kicks me in the ass everytime I get something good. And this time it hurts a million times more then anything has before. Fuck you and your metal toed boots.

efterlade oplyse
jeg skulle aldrig give efter på jer
eferlade oplyse
imitlertid mig også

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it's good [23 Oct 2004|01:39pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Went to see the Gurdge last night with Jess and the Bo. Fukcing freaky movie. Me and Jess were flipping out, and Mike just made fun of us. I seriously hope my house isn't cursed...

then we went to the Space to see Drawninward and of corse we missed them, but it was all good. Hung out in the parking lot for a while then went to Damon's for the chicken finger trivia fun. Saw Sam, which was a nice suprise. I hadn't seen him in like 2 years. Then we went back to my house and watched a movie...I fell asleep in about 10 minutes.

Today I clean like a fool. My floor looks nice. its been so long since ive seen it. tooka shower and got fancy for tea with the mims soon. Me Mike Rachel howe and Jen are going out for chinese food tonight. should be good times.

Life is good, school is good. I'm cranking out pottery at rapid fire pace. All is well in the world.

4 is a wonderful number <3<3<3

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